Tip of the day
Equipping a gear set while at a bank will automatically withdraw all the items from the bank.
User:Jolkotin
Songs of Walkscape
That first Jarvonia tour by Gloria Raynor's I will survive
Inspired by how hard it is to gauge how dangerous exactly it is to wander far when you have just started - thanks for the musedom, Austria!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified kept thinking I could never go far south 'fore I levelified but I spent so many nights looking at all the map Unknowns and so I packed and ran off there just all alone And now I'm back from Azu' streets talked to a bunch of weird shopkeepers saw me tons of foreign sweets but one thing that drives me going it just keeps me up at night is that one big 5k backpack that I'm dying to call ALL MINE
Ode to Cape of the Trailblazer by Queen's Who wants to live forever
There's no trail for us There's no blaze for us What is this cape that builds our dreams Yet slips awaaaay from us Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? There's low chance for us This gear is optimal for us These hills have only one sweet target Set in the drops for us Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? But touch my steps with sandwich Touch my flowing watch with your rare drop tips And we can loot forever And we can walk forever* The remains are ours today Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who waits forever, anyway? *) Or for approximately 640k steps.
I Miss The Sun by The Police's Every breath you take
Every move I make Every step I take Each record I break Every single day I'll make ghost goo-oo Every breath I take Even not awake Every game I play Every word I say It's all ghost goo-ooo I can't cross sea No way south for me How my poor heart aches With every step I take Every move I make Every bank they break Every saw I create How much tries it takes It's all ghost goo-oo With no Pass we've been blocked - can't south migrate I dream at night, I just see my camel's face I look around, but it's dunes I can't replace I feel so cold, and I long for Sun's embrace I keep appeasing spirits, spirits, please Oh can't you see Passage through for me From this cool dewy place? How many steps it takes Every move you make Each record you break For a quite few days Every step you take Is for ghost goo-oo
Box hunting by Ylvis: What does the fox say?
Wolf goes "woof", cats go "meow" Bird goes "tweet" and dolph goes "squeeek" Deer goes "moo", mummy's croaked And the reindeers are just sweet Fake ducks say "quack", driftnet goes "blub" And Halfmaw is ow ow ow! But there's one sound that no one knows: What does the box say? Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding? What the box say? Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow! Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow? What the box say? Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho! Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho! Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho? What the box say? Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff! Tchoff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff! Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff? What the box say? Big wood mouth, pointy stick Catching critters, pretty slick Once set up, sloped uphill You'll then be just standing still You're catching thread So beautiful Like a present in disguise But if you meet a horned horse Will you communicate by Mo-o-o-o-orse Mo-o-o-o-orse Mo-o-o-o- How would you deal with that "Ho-o-o-o-orse" "Ho-o-o-o-orse" "Ho-o-o-o-orse"? What does the box say? Secret of the box Ancient mystery Somewhere deep in the woods I know you're hunting What is your sound Will we ever know Will always be a mystery What do you say? You're patient but frail, Shaking loose all that wood What is your sound? Will we ever know? I want to I want to, I want to know!
The Helpful Herbert Botting Mini-FAQ FYI Intro
The Discord server has a Helpful Herbert bot who is very helpful. It works if your Discord account is linked on the portal webpage under 'Account': https://portal.walkscape.app
Update Apr 2026: set_flair is easier to use now and updates instantly, so you don't need to know the below parameters any more. Just run /set_flair and click on the options in messages Herbert sends you. The parts in cursive are therefore outdated.
Per Jan 2026, the Helpful Herbert bot supports 3 commands. To see them all, type /, scroll through any potential other bots that are less helpful to find the ones about Helpful Herbert, and you can see the commands he supports there.
The commands are used by typing them into any chat channel that Helpful Herbert is present on. Typically the commands will show response messages that are only visible to you, except in the case of flex where the point is to show off to others.
In order to interact with options, first type the command (or start of it), and then click on the suggestion. You will see the list of options it has, and you can click on the option name to select from a list of possible values instead of having to guess yourself. You cannot generally expect to just type these as words into the command, they must be magic selections from the list.
/flex allows you to show off your last used character's stats.The output of this command is printed to the channel you run the command on.
- One option: detailed - show more details.
/set_flair allows you to set little information after your name, such as your character's total steps taken.
- Two options: type: xp/value, rank or level - what to show, and flair: <ability>, total_xp, total_level, achievement_points or total_steps
- The command without correct values for at least flair will clear your flair setting.
- The results will be visible "in the next flair update cycle", so they are not instant.
/set_nick allows you to change your nickname on the server (the regular /nick command is disabled).
The little banners that people have for different Walkscape locations are set by admins manually, so leap at the opportunity when say Weasel asks who wants to tout their Jarvonian nature.
Trivia missing from wiki proper
Shrimp ring
The shrimp shirt shows the late Shrimp Ring, and a character finding shrimp in trash and frying it: https://merch.walkscape.app/product/shrimp-hoodie/
There were a number of old rings that were later turned into trinkets, like the Shrimp trinket. (Heron, eel, root and bat, in addition.)
The reason why shrimp and earlier also shrimp rings would show up in trash looting activities relates back to the days of very early beta. Lore has it that there was a tester who would gather a ton of shrimp, bring it to town and start cooking, and then all progress would get wiped and they would do it all over again.
Additionally, the originating artwork is documented at Illustrations and as a legacy to the epicness of shrimp, most of the current Sorgo-crafted artwork contains a hidden shrimp.
The reason the shrimp looks like it appears by magic during the shrimp preparation process by application of some kind of magic tool is more inspired by wondrous near-magical furniture construction instructions than by real historical events happening in the game.
Thanks cuddlycutlery, Afropig, Convi and Weasel for the carrying of the history!
Not A Periodical
Not a Periodical is a newspaper invented on May 25 2026 in Walkscape Discord to cover important and most importantly silly events in the game. It has a Discord forum thread.
Primary location: Guide:Not A Periodical
I'm using this page to store the "drafts" until they are published post-review in the guide page for more visibility (and business continuity).
Unofficial personas introduced:
- Cecilie Rhodes is a mining magnate with business interests in Jarvoinia and abroad. (Issue 4)
- Lord Palmerston has land interests in northern Jarvonia, and aspires to create a Jarovian parliament. (Issue 4)
Issue 5, September 2026
Editorial
Remember: You heard it here third!
Stuff about maybe golden frogs and pet rocks hatching from rock eggs
Other stuff maybe about twopointoh hunt and how mesmerizing the desert is in its hot beauty
More stuff
Alternative stuff
+ TODO Nogisto's bank quiz winner if one appears by then
Issue 4, August 2026
Editorial
In our fourth issue, we will for the first time publish some letters sent to the editor! We will also explore the recent additions to the enthusiastic and successful CoHA marathon runners crowd, explore the wonders of nature, and note a warning example of what might happen if you try to explore the wonders of nature by yourself. It may be much safer to learn about it by reading a newspaper at home than going out there to experience the dangers of the world yourself. As long as we remain at watch, you can safely leave the dangerous exploration to our citizen journalists!
Remember: You heard it here third!
Letters to the Editor
For this issue, we have received not just one but two letters to the editor, published herein.
Dear Editor,
I have read the first three instances of your distinctive periodical with intense interest. I admire your focus on reporting issues that matter to the people of Jarvonia.
However, as a proud Jarvonian, I have been sad to see your paper neglecting the important area of mining. This noble industry is a mainstay of Jarvonian culture, and I would hazard to say that many of your readers are miners or are closely related to miners. Have you considered introducing a business section to your newspaper?
That could prove very useful in furthering the endeavours of local entrepreneurs.
Yours sincerely,
Cecilie Rhodes
Dear Ms. Rhodes,
Please look no further than to the next article in this issue!
Editorial team
Dear Editor,
Thank you for providing this excellent and uncontested source of news to the whole of Jarvonia. Clearly, we should all be concerned about the ongoing land dispute happening in the Noiseless Pass. This land is and always will be ours! Those who can are mobilising as we speak. We definitely will not be won over by fancy lobster dishes presented by Trellin nobles. This is a matter of national pride!
Jarvonians, unite!
Yours sincerely,
Lord Palmerston
Mystery of Nature: Birds’ Nests Discovered in the Deepest Mines
(With help of a true natural, Squigglyruth.)
Naturalists are baffled by the ongoing phenomenon. Might this be a foreign plot?
Picture the scene: an experienced Jarvonian miner pursuing a seam of iron below Frostbite Mountain. She has been here for days, walking through twisty passages all alike, seeking the best sources of fine ore and building up her stock. At night, she beds down in the nearest alcove, her only distraction a crossword that she is failing to complete, viewed through the wavering light of her miner’s headlamp.
Just as she is reaching the end of her endurance, this resilient and traditional Jarvonian miner squeezes herself through a narrow opening in the depths of the maze. She is surprised to find a larger cavern opening up. Within it, a campsite, full of jolly well-equipped Trellians all drinking wine…
This was the unexpected experience of my mining contact, Squigglyruth, 11 months ago. After spending her life as a solitary northern miner, she found the unexpected contact with foreign nationals understandably jarring. Nonetheless, Squigglyruth was quick-witted enough to quiz these unusual interlopers about their history and their intentions.
Ari, a resident of Granfiddich in far-away Trellin, explained themself thusly: "I just came to mine some ore, girl! I packed my Shovel Axe and my other mining equipment. I’m getting decent ore, but also a huge amount of birds’ nests!"
Lucy, from Salsfirth, was keen to add her input: "My shovel axe has given me so many birds’ nests! It’s just great!"
Reader, I understand your confusion. Birds’ nests in a mine? Which type of birds build their nest there, in the dark? Furthermore, why has no Jarvonian miner, in the whole history of Jarvonian mining, ever seen birds flying through the mines?
We spoke to Mason H, a naturalist attached to the temple in Azurazera. He told us, "I really have no comment on the birds’ nests that have been found. Except that they are baffling and just make no sense."
It turns out that Jarvonian naturalists are as baffled as the rest of us normal Jarvonians.
Should we really care about nature?
Are the people from Trellin manipulating us?
We would be interested to hear your opinions.
Mountaineer Loses His Crosswords, Begins Producing Cryptic Drawings and Predicting End Is Near
(Via Agile, the unexpected oracle.)
It was supposed to be a perfectly normal exploration, but it turned the life of one Wrentmarkian adventurer upside down.
He was last seen acquiring supplies to go off to search for a long lost mountaineering guidebook. While the Jarvonian mountains are no place for an unexperienced tourist, this was not the first time he was setting plans to perform at his peak.
Perhaps touched by a mischief of Nerys during the cold, hard ridge scrambling pushing him to his very limit, one can only speculate on what happened here. But the adventurer returned a deeply changed man.
Soon after, he was seen showing extensive interest in the true origins of the people of Arenum and whether fossil evidence could prove ancient vestigial knowledge about why we seem to naturally just know certain place names before we learn anything else. The fossil excavator teams have been uncovering many things, some of which quite terrifying, but this aspect of our history remains not entirely understood.
As the days turned slightly shorter and the evenings began to grow darker again, however, the borderline regular intensity and social confusion of a long-term mountain dweller took a more ominous turn. With newfound fits of either clairvoyant lucidity or nightmarish madness straight from Rasnovaal's cookpot, the former agility enthusiast started to produce cryptic drawings and was repeatedly seen attempting to explain them with much gesticulation to random passers-by.
In his visions, the mysterious terms such as "alpha", "beta" and "roadmap" seem to occur regularly. What is somewhat confusing about the is also that they seem to predict some kind of "Great Reset", that sounds like an apocalyptic event, only it seems to also imply that after this "Character Freeze" the people in the middle of the great transformation would be able to live on in what seems to be one branch of reality, while another branch of reality would also be hatched from the process. It is very unclear what would happen in this branch and how the local deities would experience this kind of event.
As always, the complex enlightenment process of a hermit mountaineer raises more questions than answers in those who have remained in touch with the grass below.
Track and Field: The Race to the Fastest Finish
(Via Squigglyruth, MixHagelslag, Agile and Walkless.)
Our athletics correspondents have been following with intense interest the progress of members of the Small Step, Big Cape club. I am sure that many you at home have also been glued to your seats during the recent 2-player race to be the first to achieve a prestigious Cape of Half Achiever (CoHA) in fewer than 1.1 million steps. Such gripping action, as our contestants walked literally seven to thirty thousand steps most days, and gained small or moderate numbers of achievement points two or three times a week! What could be better sport? However, in case you were too caught up in the day to day grind of Jarvonian life, be assured that we are here with a summary of this important sports news!
This challenge began in the same way as most of life’s great adventures: a group of young hatchlings sharing tales of the athletic exploits of their elders, and plotting how to better them. "Back in the day," as it were told, it used to be possible to obtain a CoHA with fewer than a million steps; one great hero, known in tavern tales as "Mix", even achieved this in fewer than 800k steps! But this kind of sporting achievement now seems out of reach to even the most competitive of youngsters.
Recent addition of competence requirements to ensure safe tool use has increased the experience needed to forge hydrilium, a rare ceramic used by adventurers to craft gear that lets them venture underwater and pursue exciting exploits. The threshold for being awarded the CoHA has also increased significantly. Added to that, we have learnt of the benefits of hunting and tailoring, which has confused - but maybe enhanced - the possible path forwards to quick cape victory. Nonetheless, our Jarvonian youngsters declared themselves ready to try their best and to prove what could be possible. J, a veteran adventurer with an interest in boosting younger characters, suggested an ambitious target of 1.1 million steps. The race was on!
Amihan, a young adventurer whom our reporters have encountered in the past, was one of the first young hatchlings to declare herself to the cause. From February onwards, she strove to meet the challenge, taking the unusual decision to venture forth into GDTE whilst still newly hatched, in search of a tortoise to aid her in her quest. Despite careful planning and a lot of hard work, Amihan’s progress did not seem likely to be fast enough to win her the coveted prize. By the end of June, the missives she sent to our sports desk indicated a sense of defeat: "1.1 million COHA seems unlikely at this stage without some significant good luck, but 1.2 seems quite plausible." We have to admire her grit to carry on, even when she knew she had missed her goal – this is the true Jarvonian spirit!
It soon became clear that there was a more likely contender to win the podium: a young person called "Vruchten", who has been rumoured to be a reincarnation of the legendary "Mix". This young adventurer started strong, finding himself a rare tortoise egg just 157k steps into his life. He then compounded this luck with strategy – we can only assume that he knew what he was doing because others in his family had done it all before.
Now the race was on! Or was it? Our sports reporters at the Not A Periodical were certainly excited, and we very much enjoyed the scientific charts produced by those carefully observing the participants' progress.
In the end, it seemed to come down to a race in time. Amihan told us this: "Vruchten was rapidly closing in and it was evident he would beat me in steps. There was a moment when I thought he was going to get his CoHA before I got there, in fewer steps - but I upped my walking and finished without losing my pride. He was a gentleman throughout."
"Mix" comments: "This is a new ever-changing sport and every new competitor can learn and improve upon those that went before. Amihan did an awesome job with pioneering the tortoise route and their experience helped me to improve upon that. The same goes for the people that come after us. Probably not with the tortoise, as the pixie is available now."
He continues: "Ultimately I went for the record to show that the 1,1-million step challenge was legit and actually achievable, even after the hydrillium changes. Both our runs prove that it can be done for sure, and even sub-1M might be possible!"
The final results were close, but we all knew where it was going. Amihan achieved CoHA in 1.15M, which was the record at the time. Then Vruchten achieved CoHA in 1.03M steps. He holds the latest record, and will do so for the foreseeable future.
In another front, we have been told that Walkless has also reached CoHA. He has lived his life trying to be as stiff as he possibly can, learning no agility skills whatsoever. Upon completion, he answered to the people questioning why he would avoid this kind of training so vigorously, "That's not a real skill. Seems useless."
We also forcefully interviewed the locally famous flexibility enthusiast Agile on this, to gain a conflicting point of view to provide juicy confusion for our readers. "This vexes me," Agile noted, and admitted that the adventurer known as Walkless would well count as his arch nemesiseseses. Fortunately, we estimated at our editorial team that if Agile and Walkless both stick to the opposite ends of the realm, we could best avoid some kind of collision which could end in massive explosion. It would seem that if one would stay underwater and the other in the bog, there would be no risk of the two meeting.
Strangely enough, it also turns out that if one would want to successfully avoid both, they could hide in the Bog Bottom, where neither could ever follow them. This was eagerly noted down by our temporary staffer who entirely unrelatedly seems to owe rotbud-based beverages to quite a few people.
Epic Retrospective of the Month (ERM): Magnet fishing at bog bottom
(Via Shade, the deep-diving swamp reporter.)
After our exploratory article on the subject, many intrepid fisherpeople have gained experience with also capturing less animate objects with the use of magnet fishing. This popular pasttime has allowed the retrieval of various kinds of strange objects from the bottoms of lakes in at least the area of the Grand-Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise, where such environmental pollution is seen much more often than in the pristine and beautiful internal bodies of water in Jarvonia.
However, we had not heard of anyone attempting magnet fishing at bog bottom before Shade reported that they had been trying to retrieve a remote hollering horn-like gadget called a 'telephone' that the beautiful princess of his hearthstone had dropped in there, possibly to secretly inspire a difficult quest typical for further gauging the heronic energies of worthy suitors. After many attempts, however, it had to be noted that the bog bottom and its many treasures turned out to be more magnetic than the submerged gadget itself. After the relief of not having been eaten by a local alligator during this adventure, however, the princess was able to conclude that no progress was lost, and that the magnet fishing simply brought the two closer together in the form of a memorable adventure. Also, the indirect implication that there might be gold to be found in these parts, based on the magnetic interference, was worth bringing out of the depths.
Customers Report Greater Feeling of Achievement After Banks Introduce Credit Rating
(With inspiration from Nogisto, Belkarama, and strange representatives of the animal kingdom.)
The great Azurazera bank, Cold Storage of Commitment, has been in the forefront of driving a new innovation for the wealth management industry. "As we deal with beliefs and good faith on a regular basis here in the religious capitol of Jarvonia, we thought it natural to also reflect this in our customers' earthly possessions that they leave with us before taking off on lengthy quests across the realm."
As the Cold Storage of Commitment is not for those faint of heart, it was decided that in order to make this enlightenment available also to the rest of the population, the elaborate system of credit rating calculation would also be taught to other banks, such as the Frozen Capital Bank in Kallaheim.
Peter Banksworth, the esteemed keeper of the famed northern bank, describes the process did not go entirely without incident: "I tell you, I've dealt with some mysterious things in my day, but this whole idea of introducing a credit rating as a kind of divine measure of an individual's earthly worth just blew my socks off when it was presented by our southern colleagues." He pauses to adjust his finely made top hat, latest fashion from Frusenholm tailors. "It's not just that either. Our bank statistics service is quite extensive, and makes it readily visible just what all things one can own. You know, I am already hard at work collecting all the different currencies I can get my hands on as a result!" After a brief discussion about the perils of the hidden rotbud market we discussed in the previous issue, we were left uncertain if Mr. Banksworth would heed our warning on that front or not.
So far the new credit rating concept has been received quite positively by the customers, according to the bankers. Some even have found reason to celebrate, as they had not realized how well-to-do they in fact were before they saw the reports that the diligent scribes of the bank had made of their entire fortune.
Meanwhile an anonymous citizen, who has been living off alms from Helpful Herbert for months now, reports that the banking staff have been giving him funny looks ever since.
Fun For The Whole Family: Nogisto's Bank Quiz
To celebrate the recently more easily accessible banking statistics, Nogisto has declared a competition: "Gifting 1 BIS after trading drops to anyone who can guess my current bank value in 1 try." BIS, we have been explained, is the Blue Ice Sickle, an extremely rare gathering tool rumoured to have been lost long ago into the icy wastelands of the north. Meanwhile, 'trading dropping' must be banking specialist language for the discussion of opening up less controlled international trade which we discussed at more length in the previous issue.
Issue 3, July 2026
Historical note: After issue 3, Bonez set the periodical up all prettified like.
Editorial
Welcome, dear reader, to the third edition of Not a Periodical! As is our time-honored tradition, we strive to produce quality tabloid headlines while keeping our operational costs the lowest in the media market by not paying anyone to actually investigate anything. Here at Not a Periodical we believe in open editorial process, word of mouth and copious amounts of nettle tea whenever publishing deadlines are approaching. We have also acquired a source of appropriately non-explained political cartoons for our fair newspaper.
We continue to be shocked here in Jarvonia about the illicit abduction of Noiseless Pass by Trellin, who have claimed that the earlier claims Jarvonia has had on the territory have been based on an age-old administrative error. This smells like some kind of foreign influence! We sent our reporter to infiltrate the Granfiddich grand feast intended to welcome Jarvonian residents from the Noiseless Pass into their new citizenship in Trellin. We must say the salmon pie served there was quite exquisite. We should maybe try to make that ourselves too. But in the meanwhile, we should remain very stern and firm and not give in a single inch on this blatant rewriting of history! Everyone knows that Noiseless Pass has been a part of Jarvonia since eternity! Fort Permafrost is on the Kallaheim side of the pass just because that is how we can keep an eye on the pass much better, and the special permits needed to leave Jarvonia, I mean, pass into Noiseless Pass, is of course just because after the fort someone might accidentally go on to Trellin!
We call for a worldwide boycott of Trellin wares while this outrage continues. To show that we are serious about this, we should absolutely cease all import of mangrove and Trellin fashion until the border matter is appropriately settled. We should also only accept any advanced trinketry items into our market if Myriadian arc takes them in and stamps them as produced there first.
Remember: You heard it here third!
The Camel Express package delivery service expected to spark at most academic curiosity
(With help from impartial interviewer Squigglyruth and correspondence consultant Bonez565.)
There have been rumors in the streets of a newfangled concept, and whispers in the woods of a mythical creature, who is said to ride a shiny festive reindeer and be able to deliver exactly what you need to where you are, recognizable by the chime of its bell and a "Who-ho-ho!" call to indicate a package has arrived.
Of course our astute team of investigative journalists know immediately that this kind of thing would have to be a hoax, as we know that given the current tense border situation and the bureaucracy and necessary permits involved simply to pass east from Fort of Permafrost, there would simply no way for anyone to establish an effective delivery service like that.
However, just as we were heartily laughing at the incredulity of these wild stories over our morning nettle tea, we were interrupted by word from our brethren from the far south. It turns out that in exotic Wrentmark, merchants of the Myriadian Arc have been exploring a new service idea called "The Camel Express", which would provide systematic means to deliver both goods and messages efficiently from sender to recipient even in relatively remote locations - if the price is right, of course. We were told that at full speed, which would naturally also be the most costly, the packages could pass quite a few furlongs per fortnight.
We live in interesting times, where even the wildest of notions may in fact be seriously explored in some part of the world. However, camels would not be a particularly efficient carrier for parcels outside the desert. What would reasonable Jarvonians think of this kind of a delivery service, if it would one day become reality? We asked around for opinions in a few places one could reach without skis on this delightfully warm midsummer.
Hilda, 47, a cook from Azurazera, had strong opinions when we interviewed her: "I don't see any need for a mail service," she stated. "Local produce such as cooked trout, trout soup and jelly sandwiches are still the most popular fare in our town. We use locally-sourced ingredients, and our volunteers even cook extra portions to donate to the paupers and starvelings. We look after our own kind here in Jarvonia, and have no need for any fancy imported food from the Duchy. Cooked lobster? Who wants to eat that? That's for the toffs!"
Jonas, an excavation explorer working at the Horn of Respite, provided us with an alternative viewpoint. He talked to our team in detail about his extended quest to find archaeological treasures in this desolate spot. His opinion on the rumors? "I really might do better finding these artifacts if I could import some wine from Trellin. The authentic bouquet of adventurer-stomped grapes makes it so much easier to discern the unique properties of each snowflake."
The conclusion seems to be mixed: There is mild curiosity in the intelligentsia, as seems typical when it comes to strange new ideas, while more realistic residents doing sensible things for a living understand better the practical difficulties involved. And just like when we witnessed a discussion on whether there would be any reasonable use for crystals that seem to contain the essence of the flame, the first thing people think about is trying to use the things to discover new interesting methods of intoxication. But if it would be possible, it could change everything, for example for the local man who traveled to the bog several times to hunt alligators, yet kept running out of arrows. This kind of service sounds like a truly incredulous kind of science fiction, however.
Economics: Rotbud market manipulation caught at the pre-dawn of trading
(With help from One Anonymous Finance Shaman, observant citizen Nitroglycerin and one small mammal who seems to be very quick on its feet.)
As it is widely known, the night is always at its darkest just before dawn, especially if you have blown out all your candles before going to sleep. And in the middle of a very dark thicket, we have seen the possible beginnings of a murky black market!
We have been carefully monitoring the recent high-profile discussions, where representatives of different regions are trying to find ways to controllably liberate the flow of goods and money between different territories, and to simplify the currently quite extensive bureaucracy involved. This is an important discussion from the point of view of allowing Jarvonian pies to spread joy everywhere in Arenum, even though based on our extensive market research we do not really expect anyone to be really needing any foreign wares in our domestic market.
This deeply political process has been so incredibly exciting to follow that it is sometimes even difficult to hear the arguments made by the speakers over the extensively curious and astute snoring in the audience, who represent among others the local population looking for shelter from the sun, and journalists representing the most widespread public media in the region (immediately after Jarvonian crossword puzzles, in any case). However, this week the situation has taken a murky turn.
After an innocent question posed by an aspiring citizen about a slightly confusing conversation at a merchant's hut within what is generally currently considered a part of Trellin, we sent out our deeply undercover journalists to investigate the matter. Applying an inquisitive combination of lively imagination and hearsay, they did find clear evidence of rotbuds being used as a secondary "shadow" currency in The Witch's Hut. For a passing regular customer, rotbuds cannot be used to buy anything, but it is clear that for a specific kind of special customers, they are more than just smelly flowers from the swamp favored by the halfling population living in the swamps.
What are the implications? Is this yet another Trellin ploy founded around their limited capacity to follow law, order and long-agreed borders between countries? We have reason to believe it is something much more elaborate, possibly even the work of a mastermind!
Whoever controls the rotbud market by the time international trading is liberated has the capability to potentially cause a major uprising in the halfling population in the Grand Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise. They could possibly also flood other nations with a highly intoxicating and earthy-flavoured beverages, which would likely cause them to forget to do anything important that the controller would not want to happen. Overall, this strange smelly flower is clearly at the center of a lightlessly black market residing in the bewitched thicket, and we should all be on our toes to not get bamboozled by any sinister schemes being brewed at the hut's cauldrons while we are not looking or are too busy running headlessly around to be investigating carefully!
Understandably concerned for any magical reprisals and curses from the witch, whose powers are as yet unknown, our main expert source on the emerging issue has chosen to remain anonymous.
Track and Field: Shell-shocked or tortoise-rushed?
(From aquatic aficiando Squigglyruth.)
The residents of Old Arena Ruins area in Greater Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise (GDTE) have become increasingly concerned about a recent influx of ill-equipped kayakers. These recently-hatched individuals have become a frequent sight in the area within the last month.
Local residents describe adventurers embarking on the water wearing just a simple lifejacket, and brandishing a simple torch towards the surface, as though trying to summon up rewards from the deep. Some residents have claimed that they have even seen groups of young people playing with sky-discs across the seemingly placid surface. Do they not realize how dangerous it is to carry anything here if it might contain metal? Do they have no understanding of the history that is hidden in this flooded amphitheater? We could soon be seeing them wearing weighted vests instead!
What on Arenum is motivating these hapless youths? Our intrepid reporters meticulously tracked a group of them down as they shivered on the beach.
Amihan, hatched just 20 days previously, described her sense of optimism as she embarked on her quest for a tortoise egg. Standing proud and tall despite her tatty garb, she tilted her trendy running visor and told us, "I knew this was a gamble, especially because it's very odd to find a tortoise out in the water. But I just felt that I had to give it a go. I was honestly shocked to find a tortoise egg floating out there after just 21,000 strokes of the paddle. What does that tell me for my future? Not a lot - every action is a roll of the dice. That's why life is so fun!"
One of the group seemed older, sitting further away from the group, looking twitchy and somehow nervous, and occasionally muttering something about lucky rabbit foot's amulets and strange gods we had not heard of. We did not interview this one, as the younger members of the group warned us that he might be strange. But he would not be the first one to need prolonged therapy after their experiences at the Arena.
DutchBreadTopping58 (no relation to anyone in particular), 17 days hatched but a prolific stepper, told us that he had followed Amihan’s lead and set out to kayak for rare water-sport prizes before working on any of his basic skills. Sadly for this credulous youth, the gods of nature did not bless his endeavour. He has spent the last week plying the surface of the lake, and all he has to show for it is a backpack full of flax and trout. He described to us the lowest moment of his quest so far: "I was there on the lake, paddling in place and thinking about whether I had made a mistake. I had already been trying this for six and a half days, paddling at least 20,000 strokes each day. I kept emptying the weeds out of my kayak, but they just kept catching around my oars whatever I did. I guess I let my kayak fill up with trout until it was over-encumbered. Then my paddle caught on flax for a final time, and I ended up tipped into the water, with my kayak floating away on the magnetic tide. I grabbed what I could of my catch and floated to the beach. Now all that is left for me is to head back to Bilgemont Port in defeat. I should never have left Jarvonia so soon!"
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Why leave Jarvonia? Especially so young? Home is where the hatch is!
Epic Retrospect of the Month (ERM): Flame stoking until the heat death of the universe
(With inspiration from LiquidTea.)
It has been an unusually warm summer here in Kallaheim, our friends at Myriadian Arc even pointing out it is getting quite hot in their end, and we have been wondering what might be the cause of such sudden change in the climate.
That is, until we heard of some mishaps taking place at Helga's forge, where some eager young apprentices have been getting quite deeply into the groove of helping out. Some even describe having realized they have spent all their efforts for a quarter of a year just stoking the flames of the forge, hearing Helga's bell in their young, easily influenced minds. They did get very good at it over time, but who knows how much the environment has also heated as a result!
It is indeed very probable that this effect is the strongest in energetic young lads, who can just keep doing things that they are interested in very intensely. Due to this, we propose to call these environmental-warming heat waves by the name "El Niño", which we hear probably means 'young boy' in an obscure Wrentmarkian dialect.
We would probably consult an expert on atmospheric change if we knew one, but we had Max the Camel available, and when asked if our far-fetched interpretations were astute, Max responded: Bwa. This must mean we are at least on the right track. We should probably appeal to the powers that be that young boys should be regularly reminded to take breaks when helping out at the forge, so as to not accidentally change the climate as they work.
Brain Teasers: Your daily Walkdle quiz
Just as we were recovering from a recent heat wave, Xavlamin arrived with news about his scientific optimization toolkit. After growing weary of the rate of publication of new Jarvonian crossword puzzles, he has invented a new guessing game: What item am I thinking of?
This new game called 'Walkdle' involves hints on how rare it is, if it is a tool or for example worn on the head, what kind of activities it can be used to help with, and how valuable it is, for example. You get 8 guesses for the item, with feedback hints showing the similarity of the secret item compared to your item each time you guess.
Below is an example finished quiz game board that has been cleared of active spoilers, or a "Walkdle Scoredle" as Xavlamin puts it.
It indicates that in the first guess, on the first row, we managed to guess too high on the item rarity (blue, arrow down), but happened to get where it is worn and where one might find it (2 green boxes) right. We did not get what kind of activity it is good for right (1 dark box), and guessed too high on its impacts, level restrictions for its use and coin value (3 blue boxes with arrow down). On the second guess, we also managed to guess an item which shared at least one of the keywords with the secret item, but not a full match (the yellow box at the end of the second row). On the third row, the item's level restrictions and value were too low instead (blue box, arrow up). On the fourth row, all boxes were green to indicate the fourth guess was correct and the puzzle was completed.
Walkdle Scoredle example:
⬇️🟩🟩⬛⬇️⬇️⬇️⬛ 43
⬇️🟩🟩⬛⬇️⬇️⬇️🟨 3
🟩🟩🟩⬛🟩⬆️⬆️⬛ 1
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 1
The additional numbers on the side indicate that after the first guess, there were 43 items that could have been the correct answer based on the information we had accumulated, while the space of possibility kept narrowing down as we made more educated guesses.
If you miss a day of Walkdle, you can do it later. It is an excellent opportunity to explore your Walkpedia research notes more carefully! If you want to share your results, you can use the appointed discussion thread. Recently, an additional three different modes of difficulty have been added to the game.
Issue 2, June 2026
Editorial
Welcome to the second issue of Not A Periodical, which is already effectively doubling our total number of publications! At this rate, we will break the records of Jarvonian crossword puzzles in no time! In the previous issue, we astutely observed a nefarious attempt from Trellin at confusing map makers that Noiseless Pass would in fact belong to Trellin. In this issue, we can be equally horrified that this claim is now also formally backed by Wallisia! Further, the Grand Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise have joyfully welcomed all the Noiseless Pass residents who wish to receive Trellin citizenship ceremoniously at a grand feast in Granfiddich. We were unable to reach Jarvonian officials for comment, as they cited a need to finish some important paperwork and mumbled something about it being bat season.
In this issue, we will continue to unveil the deep and dark secrets of the dampest of local and remote caves of power. Remember: You heard it here third!
Blackspell Port rebrands itself to Blackspell Harbour
(With help from tourism impact reporter MixHagelslag.)
In Erdwise, gentrification is well underway in its southeastern parts. Recently, Blackspell Port has declared that it shall from now on be referred to as the location that was formerly known as Blackspell Port. In our updated information, the latest name dropped is in fact "Blackspell Harbour".
The Blackspell mayor cites the desire to attract more tourists as a primary motivation for the sudden name change. The growing, trade-driven city wants to get rid of its industrial association and focus more on its natural beauty. According to the mayor, Blackspell "is more than just a shipyard built out of crates". However, our investigative journalists' experiences at the location seem to suggest otherwise. "Tourist attractions never look as pretty in the real world as in the pictures the advertisements paint, you know," we were warned. But would that mean we should cancel our staff educational trip to the pleasantly cool breeze and invigorating oases of Wrentmark? Our readers must know!
The name change has not gone entirely without friction. There seems to be disagreement about the rebranding, as the local job board has refused to change its name and still calls itself the Blackspell Port job board, citing high risk of confusing all the foreigner labour frequenting the area simply to pick up odd jobs in exchange for trying to build local connections. "What good are tourists, anyway? We just want people here who are ready to work. Keep the name the same, they are simple people, we have seen them hand in valuables for a pittance after all," commented our editorial assistant while imitating the dialect of a Blackspell resident.
Shop owners at brink of rebellion against frivolous traders
(With help from economy class investigator MixHagelslag.)
Shop owners across Arenum are in an uproar. What is the reason behind these massive merchantial misgivings? They feel that their time is wasted, and some even express in no uncertain terms that they have been "scammed" by indecisive adventures selling their wares. "What used to be a rare occurrence has happened entirely too many times now," comments one shopkeeper wishing to remain anonymous in order to not be targeted. "You get an adventurer arriving together with a clerk from the local bank, and they start listing all the things they are going to sell. We estimate and value each item they offer, and hand over a quite generous lump sum in exhcange for the items. But when it comes time to close the deal and start hauling in the goods from the bank, the client suddenly 'changes their mind' and buys everything back."
This seems like very strange behaviour indeed. Why trick a merchant with a huge sale like this and then chicken out? "They say they do it so they can experience what being a millionaire feels like," the shopkeeper reports. "It's like these adventurers don't understand what transaction costs are and how expensive labour is!"
The offending adventurers are reportedly wearing party hats, which might help prepare for a more strict trading policy. The proximity of a bank seems to also make these kinds of visitors more likely, for the simple reason that carrying around enough goods to establish a similar effect of disruption is physically unfeasible. Ultimately, the costs of wasted time and effort are borne by the other customers and the merchant themselves, and rumour has it that frustrated shop owners have gone far enough to consider forming some kind of collaborative union to battle this growing problem. Who knows, it could possibly also help to counter piracy, which is problematic for overseas goods.
"We are considering to call this initiative the Handseatic League," reveals our interviewee. "For 'Seat your hands off our goods'. This message should work for both these time wasters and pirates, we figure."
Home Alchemy: On the magnetic properties of gold
(With help from Park Chemist Agile.)
We heard a rumour that it would be possible to help clean the environment, possibly solve old crimes, and in find general meditative happiness by doing some Magnet fishing in southern GDTE. So our editorial staff, and one helpful dolphin by name of Beta, headed out with a simple magnet we got at a bargain from Quincie Cartier to see what kind of treasure we would find.
Our eyes were gleaming at old tall tales, of possibly finding a "Ring of Heroes" and completing a certain very Precious achievement with that. We learned during our trip that this was in fact not going to happen, but that fortunately it was possible to do with easier methods these days.
However, we did manage to find some other things that got us wondering. It seems that many believe in gold as a metal not being magnetic, and therefore not being possible to fish up with the help of a magnet in the way we were using it. However, we did catch more than one ring. How to explain this?
We later asked about this from a strange man we found in a shop that probably was not there the last time we visited. He seemed to want to invent some token currencies of his own and then trade our items in exchange for them. But he was most notably willing to answer strange questions with a convincing voice and impressive beard, so he made for a perfect interviewee for a serious scientific article such as this one.
The strange man explained that the reason our fishing magnet attracted the rings was due to the residual heronic energies left in the water, which affect how well fishing equipment attract all kinds of shiny things. So due to the quantum hydrodynamic properties of the aether flowing around us, the magnetic fishing equipment does manage to lure the rings out of their watery hiding places and to us.
When we tried to explain this particular aspect to our aquatic assistant Beta, it opted to splash water on us. But what do dolphins know about water sciences, after all.
Track and Field: The quest to have it all
(With help from observant sports observer Fala.)
In our previous issue, we reported on the Small Step Big Cape Club and the search for speedy achievement points. But inquiring minds want to know - what to do once that goal post is already past?
We met with two people who have learned to live with life after the big cape by focusing on collecting all the items in the game. Blueboybob cites a goal to find all items in the game, and meaningful eternal-quality crafts. Bonez565 has an additional goal to achieve all the eternal crafts as well.
At the time of writing, Bonez565 is 7th in the total steps taken. Blueboybob is at 15th. (The current top player in order of steps is anonymous in result lists, but with our extensive intelligence network we have a sneaking suspicion that it is a small ferret-like animal who might have had a slight head start to the rest of us.)
What kinds of steps are you raking in on an average day to have gotten this far?
"I average about 30,000 steps and have been playing since day 1. Currently at almost 24M steps," Bonez565 notes. Blueboybob started a year ago, is at 18 million steps currently, averaging 57000 steps a day. We see Bonez565 glancing nervously at his rear mirror at this point.
How on earth do you get so many steps? "I'm an ultra runner which is where my steps come from. I run 10-12 miles in the morning before kids wake up and 10-12 at night after kids go to sleep. During the day I am usually walking (2.2mph) on my treadmill desk. So the steps just add up. The reason I walk so much is it is my ADHD 'medicine', the constant movement helps me think and focus." What an example of turning a neurodiversity feature into a strength!
Bonez565 shows us his Walkpedia status. He is missing 4 consumables, 5 loot and 2 materials. What makes someone do this kind of thing? "I'm a completionist by nature so any missing items or items that are not at the best possible are a constant worry. With the change in crafted upgraded items to allow partial fines, now eternals are a reasonable thing to strive for. In general I only consider perfects and eternals to achieve an item. Other than that all the loot items, and collectibles are my favorites to collect. I really dislike the crafting system but it is necessary to finish the game." Aha, a dislike of crafting, well, that probably explains the few missing consumables. Maybe we can still manage to beat both players to discovering all consumables!
Blueboybob is missing some 13 skill and job chest items from his project, and notes a preference to his cook carrot pies underwater. Maybe this is all in the normal habits of superachievers? A few eternal-level spectral tools, rings and diving gear are in his remaining task list on the crafting side. Where does this motivation come from: "What made me do it? Autism. Really I love checking things off a check list and to me that was the most fun way to play. I'll probably go for consumables too, but that will be last since I use the consumables to help other places."
What is the rarest item you currently have? "Not sure. Terrifying fossil?"Not all items are possible to acquire any more, due to changes introduced over the years. For example the legendary Shell snatcher, Lava cooking pan and Tentacle crown are not attainable at this time; Bonez565 had time to get them though. It is also not possible to acquire a specific kind of Erdwise hat cosmetic for the player any more.
One question for our current challenge takers. Do you still remember the time you got the Cape of Achiever?
Blueboybob as acquired his before our achievent statistics collection started in October 2025, and notes that he does not really remember it any more. "At the time I didn't think of a big deal; it was just something in the journey." We do have a note of him maxing achievement points as the third person in the realm in May 2026, at 312 as the current max. That is a step beyond CoFA already.
Bonez565 can use memes commentary to link his CoFA to a timeline. "I think I got CoFA with the release of Timmy's sand shovel collectible." It added just enough achievement points to be able to ignore the extreme difficulty achievements, and the Cape was achieved October 2024. At the time, 183 points were sufficient for this reward - these days the Full Achievement limit is at 265 points and there are 47 collectibles that can be used to gain bonus points to dodge some specific achievements for the reward.
Epic Retrospect of the Month (ERM): The arrows point the way
In this section, we welcome excellent opportunities at entertaining and consoling our fellow readers that forgetting those crafting supplies into the bank while taking off traveling the way to the closest workbench is not such a big issue after all.
Our first retrospecter Virenaut reports, "this just in: local man brings 49 arrows to complete 50 actions at alligator hunting assuming that double action would probably proc*, not realizing that double actions also consume double inputs..."
A few moments later, he adds with pertinent illustration: "this just in: a development on the last story...local man treks through the bog to grab one arrow to finish the job before realizing that the arrows actually have a minimum level for use in alligator hunting, and the arrow grabbed did not meet the requirement."
We congratulate this highly anonymous local man on his tireless (or very tired) gator-aid efforts at keeping our marshes sufficiently safe that they are safe enough to take an acute energy nap in.
*) 'To proc' refers to the happening of an advantageous event. This new term was sufficiently interesting that our fossil-powered editorial team did not even try to translate it in-quote.
Issue 1, May 2026
Editorial
Welcome to the first issue of Not A Periodical, your ever reliable source of important and interesting news on Jarvonia and any of its neighbours or neighbour's neighbours, or neighbour's neighbour's neighbours.
Remember: You heard it here third!
Unrest at the border?
(With help from the intrepid Citizen Journalist Agile.)
While the times have been dire for a long time and wars have ravaged the realms of Arenum, the border area between Jarvonia and Trellin has been known since ancient times to belong to the fine people and reindeer of the Icy North.
Recently, this eternal truth has become contested, with new editions of the map of the realm released showing Noiseless Pass strictly being claimed by Trellin!
After interviewing a random passer-by in the streets of Granfiddich, well-traveled Citizen Journalist Agile of Wrentmark has reported that the interviewee had not even heard of Jarvonia but rather tried to sell some fine wine. However, unfazed by this lack of literal sources, our history expert has formulated based on this an extremely credible theory of what has been going on.
Erdwise, rich and dominant, has been recently encroaching on Trellin to take over Warrenfield, for nefarious gentrification purposes. In response, Trellin has decided to move in on its undefended rival in the west, aiming to conquer Noiseless Pass, knowing that it will have the support of Grand Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise, and probably even of Wallisia, if Jarvonia were to resist.
When profusely thanked for these warning words, our humble source of infinite theoretical wisdom opted to remind that we must stay vigilant at all borders and defend the law-based order at all costs. "What is happening to our northern friends could happen here in the Mark." To which our investigative camel Max commented: Bwa. We believe this to mean complete and wholehearted agreement.
Upon deeper investigation by our journalistic group, it was discovered that Trellin may be actively performing infiltration and sabotage in the area. While Noiseless Pass is known for various woodcutting activities, when looking at the area carefully, there are no trees to be seen. Where have the trees gone? Or has Trellin pushed such little green trees into the area that we cannot see the forest from afar?
Biology Yesterday: Are dolphins a fish?
Syrenthian scientists living close to water life have extensively documented dolphin breeding, nurturing and social behaviour, and have found it to differ notably from other underwater creatures with back fins and no legs. Syrenthians themselves do not seem particularly keen on drawing a clear border between fish and other creatures living in water, but given the recent events where several dolphins have been seen landing on the shore after high-speed spurting, it begs the question of whether dolphins are in fact not as inherently water-based animals as fish are. After all, they do not seem to have gills, and need to come up for air regularly.
Maybe the best argument against dolphins being fish comes from the fact that unlike fish, they hatch from eggs after prolonged periods of being carried around. In this regard, they may be closer taxonomically to mummies and reindeer than most other water animals. The investigation continues on this and other important topics at our research facilities, where inspirational sweet carrot pie is plentiful and it has proudly been 5 days since the last heavyset bear visit incident.
Track and Field: The alluring call of half-achievement
(With help from our aspirational sports commentators MixHagelslag and J.)
In the Small step big cape club, adventurers come together with the challenge of achieving pediantic feats with maximal efficiency. The metric for success is minimal effort, measured in steps taken, to reach hallmarks of character development which are usually rewarded with a special cape.
In particular the Cape of Half-Achiever, or COHA for short, is reached when one has completed half of the achievements specified by the all-knowing church of Not a Cult, and the ultimate goal, Cape of Achiever, nicknamed COFA, requires completion of all the achievements. As with any good contest, there are some loopholes and shortcuts to be found to make the journey somewhat simpler, but the rules are essentially clear and the efforts hat-raising-worthy.
To make things even more fun, volunteers at the club have offered to immortalize those adventurers who successfully reach these achievements unusually efficiently. If COHA, for half-achievement, is reached before 1.1 million steps, or COFA for the full achiever status is reached before 4.5 million steps, the volunteers will name a pet in the heroic achiever's honor!
The current unofficial club records are held by Barosepha for COHA at 1.31 million steps and MixHagelslag for COFA at 5.53 million steps (total 265 achievement points). If you are wishing to beat that, put your clever running Toe shoes on and get walking with a new challenger! It is best to not wait until tomorrow, as the achievement list to cover may get longer!
