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Guide:Not A Periodical/Issue 2
Issue 2, June 2026
Editorial
Welcome to the second issue of Not A Periodical, which is already effectively doubling our total number of publications! At this rate, we will break the records of Jarvonian crossword puzzles in no time! In the previous issue, we astutely observed a nefarious attempt from Trellin at confusing map makers that Noiseless Pass would in fact belong to Trellin. In this issue, we can be equally horrified that this claim is now also formally backed by Wallisia! Further, the Grand Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise have joyfully welcomed all the Noiseless Pass residents who wish to receive Trellin citizenship ceremoniously at a grand feast in Granfiddich. We were unable to reach Jarvonian officials for comment, as they cited a need to finish some important paperwork and mumbled something about it being bat season.
In this issue, we will continue to unveil the deep and dark secrets of the dampest of local and remote caves of power. Remember: You heard it here third!
Blackspell Port rebrands itself to Blackspell Harbour
(With help from tourism impact reporter MixHagelslag.)
In Erdwise, gentrification is well underway in its southeastern parts. Recently, Blackspell Port has declared that it shall from now on be referred to as the location that was formerly known as Blackspell Port. In our updated information, the latest name dropped is in fact "Blackspell Harbour".
The Blackspell mayor cites the desire to attract more tourists as a primary motivation for the sudden name change. The growing, trade-driven city wants to get rid of its industrial association and focus more on its natural beauty. According to the mayor, Blackspell "is more than just a shipyard built out of crates". However, our investigative journalists' experiences at the location seem to suggest otherwise. "Tourist attractions never look as pretty in the real world as in the pictures the advertisements paint, you know," we were warned. But would that mean we should cancel our staff educational trip to the pleasantly cool breeze and invigorating oases of Wrentmark? Our readers must know!
The name change has not gone entirely without friction. There seems to be disagreement about the rebranding, as the local job board has refused to change its name and still calls itself the Blackspell Port job board, citing high risk of confusing all the foreigner labour frequenting the area simply to pick up odd jobs in exchange for trying to build local connections. "What good are tourists, anyway? We just want people here who are ready to work. Keep the name the same, they are simple people, we have seen them hand in valuables for a pittance after all," commented our editorial assistant while imitating the dialect of a Blackspell resident.
Shop owners at brink of rebellion against frivolous traders
(With help from economy class investigator MixHagelslag.)
Shop owners across Arenum are in an uproar. What is the reason behind these massive merchantial misgivings? They feel that their time is wasted, and some even express in no uncertain terms that they have been "scammed" by indecisive adventures selling their wares. "What used to be a rare occurrence has happened entirely too many times now," comments one shopkeeper wishing to remain anonymous in order to not be targeted. "You get an adventurer arriving together with a clerk from the local bank, and they start listing all the things they are going to sell. We estimate and value each item they offer, and hand over a quite generous lump sum in exhcange for the items. But when it comes time to close the deal and start hauling in the goods from the bank, the client suddenly 'changes their mind' and buys everything back."
This seems like very strange behaviour indeed. Why trick a merchant with a huge sale like this and then chicken out? "They say they do it so they can experience what being a millionaire feels like," the shopkeeper reports. "It's like these adventurers don't understand what transaction costs are and how expensive labour is!"
The offending adventurers are reportedly wearing party hats, which might help prepare for a more strict trading policy. The proximity of a bank seems to also make these kinds of visitors more likely, for the simple reason that carrying around enough goods to establish a similar effect of disruption is physically unfeasible. Ultimately, the costs of wasted time and effort are borne by the other customers and the merchant themselves, and rumour has it that frustrated shop owners have gone far enough to consider forming some kind of collaborative union to battle this growing problem. Who knows, it could possibly also help to counter piracy, which is problematic for overseas goods.
"We are considering to call this initiative the Handseatic League," reveals our interviewee. "For 'Seat your hands off our goods'. This message should work for both these time wasters and pirates, we figure."
Home Alchemy: On the magnetic properties of gold
(With help from Park Chemist Agile.)
We heard a rumour that it would be possible to help clean the environment, possibly solve old crimes, and in find general meditative happiness by doing some Magnet fishing in southern GDTE. So our editorial staff, and one helpful dolphin by name of Beta, headed out with a simple magnet we got at a bargain from Quincie Cartier to see what kind of treasure we would find.
Our eyes were gleaming at old tall tales, of possibly finding a "Ring of Heroes" and completing a certain very Precious achievement with that. We learned during our trip that this was in fact not going to happen, but that fortunately it was possible to do with easier methods these days.
However, we did manage to find some other things that got us wondering. It seems that many believe in gold as a metal not being magnetic, and therefore not being possible to fish up with the help of a magnet in the way we were using it. However, we did catch more than one ring. How to explain this?
We later asked about this from a strange man we found in a shop that probably was not there the last time we visited. He seemed to want to invent some token currencies of his own and then trade our items in exchange for them. But he was most notably willing to answer strange questions with a convincing voice and impressive beard, so he made for a perfect interviewee for a serious scientific article such as this one.
The strange man explained that the reason our fishing magnet attracted the rings was due to the residual heronic energies left in the water, which affect how well fishing equipment attract all kinds of shiny things. So due to the quantum hydrodynamic properties of the aether flowing around us, the magnetic fishing equipment does manage to lure the rings out of their watery hiding places and to us.
When we tried to explain this particular aspect to our aquatic assistant Beta, it opted to splash water on us. But what do dolphins know about water sciences, after all.
Track and Field: The quest to have it all
(With help from observant sports observer Fala.)
In our previous issue, we reported on the Small Step Big Cape Club and the search for speedy achievement points. But inquiring minds want to know - what to do once that goal post is already past?
We met with two people who have learned to live with life after the big cape by focusing on collecting all the items in the game. Blueboybob cites a goal to find all items in the game, and meaningful eternal-quality crafts. Bonez565 has an additional goal to achieve all the eternal crafts as well.
At the time of writing, Bonez565 is 7th in the total steps taken. Blueboybob is at 15th. (The current top player in order of steps is anonymous in result lists, but with our extensive intelligence network we have a sneaking suspicion that it is a small ferret-like animal who might have had a slight head start to the rest of us.)
What kinds of steps are you raking in on an average day to have gotten this far?
"I average about 30,000 steps and have been playing since day 1. Currently at almost 24M steps," Bonez565 notes. Blueboybob started a year ago, is at 18 million steps currently, averaging 57000 steps a day. We see Bonez565 glancing nervously at his rear mirror at this point.
How on earth do you get so many steps? "I'm an ultra runner which is where my steps come from. I run 10-12 miles in the morning before kids wake up and 10-12 at night after kids go to sleep. During the day I am usually walking (2.2mph) on my treadmill desk. So the steps just add up. The reason I walk so much is it is my ADHD 'medicine', the constant movement helps me think and focus." What an example of turning a neurodiversity feature into a strength!
Bonez565 shows us his Walkpedia status. He is missing 4 consumables, 5 loot and 2 materials. What makes someone do this kind of thing? "I'm a completionist by nature so any missing items or items that are not at the best possible are a constant worry. With the change in crafted upgraded items to allow partial fines, now eternals are a reasonable thing to strive for. In general I only consider perfects and eternals to achieve an item. Other than that all the loot items, and collectibles are my favorites to collect. I really dislike the crafting system but it is necessary to finish the game." Aha, a dislike of crafting, well, that probably explains the few missing consumables. Maybe we can still manage to beat both players to discovering all consumables!
Blueboybob is missing some 13 skill and job chest items from his project, and notes a preference to his cook carrot pies underwater. Maybe this is all in the normal habits of superachievers? A few eternal-level spectral tools, rings and diving gear are in his remaining task list on the crafting side. Where does this motivation come from: "What made me do it? Autism. Really I love checking things off a check list and to me that was the most fun way to play. I'll probably go for consumables too, but that will be last since I use the consumables to help other places."
What is the rarest item you currently have? "Not sure. Terrifying fossil?"Not all items are possible to acquire any more, due to changes introduced over the years. For example the legendary Shell snatcher, Lava cooking pan and Tentacle crown are not attainable at this time; Bonez565 had time to get them though. It is also not possible to acquire a specific kind of Erdwise hat cosmetic for the player any more.
One question for our current challenge takers. Do you still remember the time you got the Cape of Achiever?
Blueboybob as acquired his before our achievent statistics collection started in October 2025, and notes that he does not really remember it any more. "At the time I didn't think of a big deal; it was just something in the journey." We do have a note of him maxing achievement points as the third person in the realm in May 2026, at 312 as the current max. That is a step beyond CoFA already.
Bonez565 can use memes commentary to link his CoFA to a timeline. "I think I got CoFA with the release of Timmy's sand shovel collectible." It added just enough achievement points to be able to ignore the extreme difficulty achievements, and the Cape was achieved October 2024. At the time, 183 points were sufficient for this reward - these days the Full Achievement limit is at 265 points and there are 47 collectibles that can be used to gain bonus points to dodge some specific achievements for the reward.
Epic Retrospect of the Month (ERM): The arrows point the way
In this section, we welcome excellent opportunities at entertaining and consoling our fellow readers that forgetting those crafting supplies into the bank while taking off traveling the way to the closest workbench is not such a big issue after all.
Our first retrospecter Virenaut reports, "this just in: local man brings 49 arrows to complete 50 actions at alligator hunting assuming that double action would probably proc*, not realizing that double actions also consume double inputs..."
A few moments later, he adds with pertinent illustration: "this just in: a development on the last story...local man treks through the bog to grab one arrow to finish the job before realizing that the arrows actually have a minimum level for use in alligator hunting, and the arrow grabbed did not meet the requirement."
We congratulate this highly anonymous local man on his tireless (or very tired) gator-aid efforts at keeping our marshes sufficiently safe that they are safe enough to take an acute energy nap in.
*) 'To proc' refers to the happening of an advantageous event. This new term was sufficiently interesting that our fossil-powered editorial team did not even try to translate it in-quote.
