Tip of the day
Equipping a gear set while at a bank will automatically withdraw all the items from the bank.
Guide:Not A Periodical/Issue 4
Editorial
In our fourth issue, we will for the first time publish some letters sent to the editor! We will also explore the recent additions to the enthusiastic and successful CoHA marathon runners crowd, explore the wonders of nature, and note a warning example of what might happen if you try to explore the wonders of nature by yourself. It may be much safer to learn about it by reading a newspaper at home than going out there to experience the dangers of the world yourself. As long as we remain at watch, you can safely leave the dangerous exploration to our citizen journalists!
Remember: You heard it here third!
Letters to the Editor
For this issue, we have received not just one but two letters to the editor, published herein.
Dear Editor,
I have read the first three instances of your distinctive periodical with intense interest. I admire your focus on reporting issues that matter to the people of Jarvonia.
However, as a proud Jarvonian, I have been sad to see your paper neglecting the important area of mining. This noble industry is a mainstay of Jarvonian culture, and I would hazard to say that many of your readers are miners or are closely related to miners. Have you considered introducing a business section to your newspaper?
That could prove very useful in furthering the endeavours of local entrepreneurs.
Yours sincerely,
Cecilie Rhodes
Dear Ms. Rhodes,
Please look no further than to the next article in this issue!
Editorial team
Dear Editor,
Thank you for providing this excellent and uncontested source of news to the whole of Jarvonia. Clearly, we should all be concerned about the ongoing land dispute happening in the Noiseless Pass. This land is and always will be ours! Those who can are mobilising as we speak. We definitely will not be won over by fancy lobster dishes presented by Trellin nobles. This is a matter of national pride!
Jarvonians, unite!
Yours sincerely,
Lord Palmerston
Mystery of Nature: Birds’ Nests Discovered in the Deepest Mines
(With help of a true natural, Squigglyruth.)
Naturalists are baffled by the ongoing phenomenon. Might this be a foreign plot?
Picture the scene: an experienced Jarvonian miner pursuing a seam of iron below Frostbite Mountain. She has been here for days, walking through twisty passages all alike, seeking the best sources of fine ore and building up her stock. At night, she beds down in the nearest alcove, her only distraction a crossword that she is failing to complete, viewed through the wavering light of her miner’s headlamp.
Just as she is reaching the end of her endurance, this resilient and traditional Jarvonian miner squeezes herself through a narrow opening in the depths of the maze. She is surprised to find a larger cavern opening up. Within it, a campsite, full of jolly well-equipped Trellians all drinking wine...
This was the unexpected experience of my mining contact, Squigglyruth, 11 months ago. After spending her life as a solitary northern miner, she found the unexpected contact with foreign nationals understandably jarring. Nonetheless, Squigglyruth was quick-witted enough to quiz these unusual interlopers about their history and their intentions.
Ari, a resident of Granfiddich in far-away Trellin, explained themself thusly: "I just came to mine some ore, girl! I packed my Shovel Axe and my other mining equipment. I’m getting decent ore, but also a huge amount of birds’ nests!"
Lucy, from Salsfirth, was keen to add her input: "My shovel axe has given me so many birds’ nests! It’s just great!"
Reader, I understand your confusion. Birds’ nests in a mine? Which type of birds build their nest there, in the dark? Furthermore, why has no Jarvonian miner, in the whole history of Jarvonian mining, ever seen birds flying through the mines?
We spoke to Mason H, a naturalist attached to the temple in Azurazera. He told us, "I really have no comment on the birds’ nests that have been found. Except that they are baffling and just make no sense."
It turns out that Jarvonian naturalists are as baffled as the rest of us normal Jarvonians.
Should we really care about nature?
Are the people from Trellin manipulating us?
We would be interested to hear your opinions.
Mountaineer Loses His Crosswords, Begins Producing Cryptic Drawings and Predicting End Is Near
(Via Agile, the unexpected oracle.)
It was supposed to be a perfectly normal exploration, but it turned the life of one Wrentmarkian adventurer upside down.
He was last seen acquiring supplies to go off to search for a long lost mountaineering guidebook. While the Jarvonian mountains are no place for an unexperienced tourist, this was not the first time he was setting plans to perform at his peak.
Perhaps touched by a mischief of Nerys during the cold, hard ridge scrambling pushing him to his very limit, one can only speculate on what happened here. But the adventurer returned a deeply changed man.
Soon after, he was seen showing extensive interest in the true origins of the people of Arenum and whether fossil evidence could prove ancient vestigial knowledge about why we seem to naturally just know certain place names before we learn anything else. The fossil excavator teams have been uncovering many things, some of which quite terrifying, but this aspect of our history remains not entirely understood.
As the days turned slightly shorter and the evenings began to grow darker again, however, the borderline regular intensity and social confusion of a long-term mountain dweller took a more ominous turn. With newfound fits of either clairvoyant lucidity or nightmarish madness straight from Rasnovaal's cookpot, the former agility enthusiast started to produce cryptic drawings and was repeatedly seen attempting to explain them with much gesticulation to random passers-by.
In his visions, the mysterious terms such as "alpha", "beta" and "roadmap" seem to occur regularly. What is somewhat confusing about the is also that they seem to predict some kind of "Great Reset", that sounds like an apocalyptic event, only it seems to also imply that after this "Character Freeze" the people in the middle of the great transformation would be able to live on in what seems to be one branch of reality, while another branch of reality would also be hatched from the process. It is very unclear what would happen in this branch and how the local deities would experience this kind of event.
As always, the complex enlightenment process of a hermit mountaineer raises more questions than answers in those who have remained in touch with the grass below.
Track and Field: The Race to the Fastest Finish
(Via Squigglyruth, MixHagelslag, Agile and Walkless.)
Our athletics correspondents have been following with intense interest the progress of members of the Small Step, Big Cape club. I am sure that many you at home have also been glued to your seats during the recent 2-player race to be the first to achieve a prestigious Cape of Half Achiever (CoHA) in fewer than 1.1 million steps. Such gripping action, as our contestants walked literally seven to thirty thousand steps most days, and gained small or moderate numbers of achievement points two or three times a week! What could be better sport? However, in case you were too caught up in the day to day grind of Jarvonian life, be assured that we are here with a summary of this important sports news!
This challenge began in the same way as most of life’s great adventures: a group of young hatchlings sharing tales of the athletic exploits of their elders, and plotting how to better them. "Back in the day," as it were told, it used to be possible to obtain a CoHA with fewer than a million steps; one great hero, known in tavern tales as "Mix", even achieved this in fewer than 800k steps! But this kind of sporting achievement now seems out of reach to even the most competitive of youngsters.
Recent addition of competence requirements to ensure safe tool use has increased the experience needed to forge hydrilium, a rare ceramic used by adventurers to craft gear that lets them venture underwater and pursue exciting exploits. The threshold for being awarded the CoHA has also increased significantly. Added to that, we have learnt of the benefits of hunting and tailoring, which has confused - but maybe enhanced - the possible path forwards to quick cape victory. Nonetheless, our Jarvonian youngsters declared themselves ready to try their best and to prove what could be possible. J, a veteran adventurer with an interest in boosting younger characters, suggested an ambitious target of 1.1 million steps. The race was on!
Amihan, a young adventurer whom our reporters have encountered in the past, was one of the first young hatchlings to declare herself to the cause. From February onwards, she strove to meet the challenge, taking the unusual decision to venture forth into GDTE whilst still newly hatched, in search of a tortoise to aid her in her quest. Despite careful planning and a lot of hard work, Amihan’s progress did not seem likely to be fast enough to win her the coveted prize. By the end of June, the missives she sent to our sports desk indicated a sense of defeat: "1.1 million COHA seems unlikely at this stage without some significant good luck, but 1.2 seems quite plausible." We have to admire her grit to carry on, even when she knew she had missed her goal – this is the true Jarvonian spirit!
It soon became clear that there was a more likely contender to win the podium: a young person called "Vruchten", who has been rumoured to be a reincarnation of the legendary "Mix". This young adventurer started strong, finding himself a rare tortoise egg just 157k steps into his life. He then compounded this luck with strategy – we can only assume that he knew what he was doing because others in his family had done it all before.
Now the race was on! Or was it? Our sports reporters at the Not A Periodical were certainly excited, and we very much enjoyed the scientific charts produced by those carefully observing the participants' progress.
In the end, it seemed to come down to a race in time. Amihan told us this: "Vruchten was rapidly closing in and it was evident he would beat me in steps. There was a moment when I thought he was going to get his CoHA before I got there, in fewer steps - but I upped my walking and finished without losing my pride. He was a gentleman throughout."
"Mix" comments: "This is a new ever-changing sport and every new competitor can learn and improve upon those that went before. Amihan did an awesome job with pioneering the tortoise route and their experience helped me to improve upon that. The same goes for the people that come after us. Probably not with the tortoise, as the pixie is available now."
He continues: "Ultimately I went for the record to show that the 1,1-million step challenge was legit and actually achievable, even after the hydrillium changes. Both our runs prove that it can be done for sure, and even sub-1M might be possible!"
The final results were close, but we all knew where it was going. Amihan achieved CoHA in 1.15M, which was the record at the time. Then Vruchten achieved CoHA in 1.03M steps. He holds the latest record, and will do so for the foreseeable future.
In another front, we have been told that Walkless has also reached CoHA. He has lived his life trying to be as stiff as he possibly can, learning no agility skills whatsoever. Upon completion, he answered to the people questioning why he would avoid this kind of training so vigorously, "That's not a real skill. Seems useless."
We also forcefully interviewed the locally famous flexibility enthusiast Agile on this, to gain a conflicting point of view to provide juicy confusion for our readers. "This vexes me," Agile noted, and admitted that the adventurer known as Walkless would well count as his arch nemesiseseses. Fortunately, we estimated at our editorial team that if Agile and Walkless both stick to the opposite ends of the realm, we could best avoid some kind of collision which could end in massive explosion. It would seem that if one would stay underwater and the other in the bog, there would be no risk of the two meeting.
Strangely enough, it also turns out that if one would want to successfully avoid both, they could hide in the Bog Bottom, where neither could ever follow them. This was eagerly noted down by our temporary staffer who entirely unrelatedly seems to owe rotbud-based beverages to quite a few people.
Epic Retrospective of the Month (ERM): Magnet fishing at bog bottom
(Via Shade, the deep-diving swamp reporter.)
After our exploratory article on the subject, many intrepid fisherpeople have gained experience with also capturing less animate objects with the use of magnet fishing. This popular pasttime has allowed the retrieval of various kinds of strange objects from the bottoms of lakes in at least the area of the Grand-Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise, where such environmental pollution is seen much more often than in the pristine and beautiful internal bodies of water in Jarvonia.
However, we had not heard of anyone attempting magnet fishing at bog bottom before Shade reported that they had been trying to retrieve a remote hollering horn-like gadget called a 'telephone' that the beautiful princess of his hearthstone had dropped in there, possibly to secretly inspire a difficult quest typical for further gauging the heronic energies of worthy suitors. After many attempts, however, it had to be noted that the bog bottom and its many treasures turned out to be more magnetic than the submerged gadget itself. After the relief of not having been eaten by a local alligator during this adventure, however, the princess was able to conclude that no progress was lost, and that the magnet fishing simply brought the two closer together in the form of a memorable adventure. Also, the indirect implication that there might be gold to be found in these parts, based on the magnetic interference, was worth bringing out of the depths.
Customers Report Greater Feeling of Achievement After Banks Introduce Credit Rating
(With inspiration from Nogisto, Belkarama, and strange representatives of the animal kingdom.)
The great Azurazera bank, Cold Storage of Commitment, has been in the forefront of driving a new innovation for the wealth management industry. "As we deal with beliefs and good faith on a regular basis here in the religious capitol of Jarvonia, we thought it natural to also reflect this in our customers' earthly possessions that they leave with us before taking off on lengthy quests across the realm."
As the Cold Storage of Commitment is not for those faint of heart, it was decided that in order to make this enlightenment available also to the rest of the population, the elaborate system of credit rating calculation would also be taught to other banks, such as the Frozen Capital Bank in Kallaheim.
Peter Banksworth, the esteemed keeper of the famed northern bank, describes the process did not go entirely without incident: "I tell you, I've dealt with some mysterious things in my day, but this whole idea of introducing a credit rating as a kind of divine measure of an individual's earthly worth just blew my socks off when it was presented by our southern colleagues." He pauses to adjust his finely made top hat, latest fashion from Frusenholm tailors. "It's not just that either. Our bank statistics service is quite extensive, and makes it readily visible just what all things one can own. You know, I am already hard at work collecting all the different currencies I can get my hands on as a result!" After a brief discussion about the perils of the hidden rotbud market we discussed in the previous issue, we were left uncertain if Mr. Banksworth would heed our warning on that front or not.
So far the new credit rating concept has been received quite positively by the customers, according to the bankers. Some even have found reason to celebrate, as they had not realized how well-to-do they in fact were before they saw the reports that the diligent scribes of the bank had made of their entire fortune.
Meanwhile an anonymous citizen, who has been living off alms from Helpful Herbert for months now, reports that the banking staff have been giving him funny looks ever since.
Fun For The Whole Family: Nogisto's Bank Quiz
To celebrate the recently more easily accessible banking statistics, Nogisto has declared a competition: "Gifting 1 BIS after trading drops to anyone who can guess my current bank value in 1 try." BIS, we have been explained, is the Blue Ice Sickle, an extremely rare gathering tool rumoured to have been lost long ago into the icy wastelands of the north. Meanwhile, 'trading dropping' must be banking specialist language for the discussion of opening up less controlled international trade which we discussed at more length in the previous issue.
