View source for Guide:Not A Periodical/Issue 3

=== Issue 3, July 2026 ===

==== Editorial ====
Welcome, dear reader, to the third edition of Not a Periodical! As is our time-honored tradition, we strive to produce quality tabloid headlines while keeping our operational costs the lowest in the media market by not paying anyone to actually investigate anything. Here at Not a Periodical we believe in open editorial process, word of mouth and copious amounts of nettle tea whenever publishing deadlines are approaching. We have also acquired a source of appropriately non-explained political cartoons for our fair newspaper. 
[[File:Agile political cartoon for the newspaper.png|alt=The cartoon splits into two frames. In the first one a blue character is standing on a downward trend graph line and exclaims 'Forked', while in the second frame the same blue character is seen from afar in a local dip that is a part of a much larger upward trend.|thumb|A political cartoon appropriately provided with no explanation.]]

We continue to be shocked here in Jarvonia about the illicit abduction of Noiseless Pass by Trellin, who have claimed that the earlier claims Jarvonia has had on the territory have been based on an age-old administrative error. This smells like some kind of foreign influence! We sent our reporter to infiltrate the Granfiddich grand feast intended to welcome Jarvonian residents from the Noiseless Pass into their new citizenship in Trellin. We must say the salmon pie served there was quite exquisite. We should maybe try to make that ourselves too. But in the meanwhile, we should remain very stern and firm and not give in a single inch on this blatant rewriting of history! Everyone knows that Noiseless Pass has been a part of Jarvonia since eternity! Fort Permafrost is on the Kallaheim side of the pass just because that is how we can keep an eye on the pass much better, and the special permits needed to leave Jarvonia, I mean, pass into Noiseless Pass, is of course just because after the fort someone might accidentally go on to Trellin!

We call for a worldwide boycott of Trellin wares while this outrage continues. To show that we are serious about this, we should absolutely cease all import of mangrove and Trellin fashion until the border matter is appropriately settled. We should also only accept any advanced trinketry items into our market if Myriadian arc takes them in and stamps them as produced there first.

Remember: You heard it here third!

==== The Camel Express package delivery service expected to spark at most academic curiosity ====
(With help from impartial interviewer Squigglyruth and correspondence consultant Bonez565.)

There have been rumors in the streets of a newfangled concept, and whispers in the woods of a mythical creature, who is said to ride a shiny festive reindeer and be able to deliver exactly what you need to where you are, recognizable by the chime of its bell and a "Who-ho-ho!" call to indicate a package has arrived.

Of course our astute team of investigative journalists know immediately that this kind of thing would have to be a hoax, as we know that given the current tense border situation and the bureaucracy and necessary permits involved simply to pass east from Fort of Permafrost, there would simply no way for anyone to establish an effective delivery service like that.

However, just as we were heartily laughing at the incredulity of these wild stories over our morning nettle tea, we were interrupted by word from our brethren from the far south. It turns out that in exotic Wrentmark, merchants of the [[Myriadian Arc]] have been exploring a new service idea called "The Camel Express", which would provide systematic means to deliver both goods and messages efficiently from sender to recipient even in relatively remote locations - if the price is right, of course. We were told that at full speed, which would naturally also be the most costly, the packages could pass quite a few furlongs per fortnight.

We live in interesting times, where even the wildest of notions may in fact be seriously explored in some part of the world. However, camels would not be a particularly efficient carrier for parcels outside the desert. What would reasonable Jarvonians think of this kind of a delivery service, if it would one day become reality? We asked around for opinions in a few places one could reach without skis on this delightfully warm midsummer.

Hilda, 47, a cook from Azurazera, had strong opinions when we interviewed her: "I don't see any need for a mail service," she stated. "Local produce such as cooked trout, trout soup and jelly sandwiches are still the most popular fare in our town. We use locally-sourced ingredients, and our volunteers even cook extra portions to donate to the paupers and starvelings. We look after our own kind here in Jarvonia, and have no need for any fancy imported food from the Duchy. Cooked lobster? Who wants to eat that? That's for the toffs!"

Jonas, an excavation explorer working at the Horn of Respite, provided us with an alternative viewpoint. He talked to our team in detail about his extended quest to find archaeological treasures in this desolate spot. His opinion on the rumors? "I really might do better finding these artifacts if I could import some wine from Trellin. The authentic bouquet of adventurer-stomped grapes makes it so much easier to discern the unique properties of each snowflake."

The conclusion seems to be mixed: There is mild curiosity in the intelligentsia, as seems typical when it comes to strange new ideas, while more realistic residents doing sensible things for a living understand better the practical difficulties involved. And just like when we witnessed a discussion on whether there would be any reasonable use for crystals that seem to contain the essence of the flame, the first thing people think about is trying to use the things to discover new interesting methods of intoxication. But if it would be possible, it could change everything, for example for the local man who traveled to the bog several times to hunt alligators, yet kept running out of arrows. This kind of service sounds like a truly incredulous kind of science fiction, however.

==== Economics: Rotbud market manipulation caught at the pre-dawn of trading ====
[[File:Witch hut rotbud currency.jpg|alt=A picture of the view when trading with the witch. Besides gold, it includes a rotbud symbol that looks like it would be a currency in this shop.|thumb|The Witch's Hut store clearly trades in rotbuds, but not with regular customers. Signs of a black market?]]
(With help from One Anonymous Finance Shaman, observant citizen Nitroglycerin and one small mammal who seems to be very quick on its feet.)

As it is widely known, the night is always at its darkest just before dawn, especially if you have blown out all your candles before going to sleep. And in the middle of a very dark thicket, we have seen the possible beginnings of a murky black market!

We have been carefully monitoring the recent high-profile discussions, where representatives of different regions are trying to find ways to controllably liberate the flow of goods and money between different territories, and to simplify the currently quite extensive bureaucracy involved. This is an important discussion from the point of view of allowing Jarvonian pies to spread joy everywhere in Arenum, even though based on our extensive market research we do not really expect anyone to be really needing any foreign wares in our domestic market. 

This deeply political process has been so incredibly exciting to follow that it is sometimes even difficult to hear the arguments made by the speakers over the extensively curious and astute snoring in the audience, who represent among others the local population looking for shelter from the sun, and journalists representing the most widespread public media in the region (immediately after Jarvonian crossword puzzles, in any case). However, this week the situation has taken a murky turn.

After an innocent question posed by an aspiring citizen about a slightly confusing conversation at a merchant's hut within what is generally currently considered a part of Trellin, we sent out our deeply undercover journalists to investigate the matter. Applying an inquisitive combination of lively imagination and hearsay, they did find clear evidence of rotbuds being used as a secondary "shadow" currency in The Witch's Hut. For a passing regular customer, rotbuds cannot be used to buy anything, but it is clear that for a specific kind of special customers, they are more than just smelly flowers from the swamp favored by the halfling population living in the swamps.  

What are the implications? Is this yet another Trellin ploy founded around their limited capacity to follow law, order and long-agreed borders between countries? We have reason to believe it is something much more elaborate, possibly even the work of a mastermind! 

Whoever controls the rotbud market by the time international trading is liberated has the capability to potentially cause a major uprising in the halfling population in the Grand Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise. They could possibly also flood other nations with a highly intoxicating and earthy-flavoured beverages, which would likely cause them to forget to do anything important that the controller would not want to happen. Overall, this strange smelly flower is clearly at the center of a lightlessly black market residing in the bewitched thicket, and we should all be on our toes to not get bamboozled by any sinister schemes being brewed at the hut's cauldrons while we are not looking or are too busy running headlessly around to be investigating carefully!   

Understandably concerned for any magical reprisals and curses from the witch, whose powers are as yet unknown, our main expert source on the emerging issue has chosen to remain anonymous.

==== Track and Field: Shell-shocked or tortoise-rushed? ====
(From aquatic aficiando Squigglyruth.)

The residents of Old Arena Ruins area in Greater Duchy of Trellin-Erdwise (GDTE) have become increasingly concerned about a recent influx of ill-equipped kayakers. These recently-hatched individuals have become a frequent sight in the area within the last month. 

Local residents describe adventurers embarking on the water wearing just a simple lifejacket, and brandishing a simple torch towards the surface, as though trying to summon up rewards from the deep. Some residents have claimed that they have even seen groups of young people playing with sky-discs across the seemingly placid surface. Do they not realize how dangerous it is to carry anything here if it might contain metal? Do they have no understanding of the history that is hidden in this flooded amphitheater? We could soon be seeing them wearing weighted vests instead!

What on Arenum is motivating these hapless youths? Our intrepid reporters meticulously tracked a group of them down as they shivered on the beach. 

Amihan, hatched just 20 days previously, described her sense of optimism as she embarked on her quest for a tortoise egg. Standing proud and tall despite her tatty garb, she tilted her trendy running visor and told us, "I knew this was a gamble, especially because it's very odd to find a tortoise out in the water. But I just felt that I had to give it a go. I was honestly shocked to find a tortoise egg floating out there after just 21,000 strokes of the paddle. What does that tell me for my future? Not a lot - every action is a roll of the dice. That's why life is so fun!"

One of the group seemed older, sitting further away from the group, looking twitchy and somehow nervous, and occasionally muttering something about lucky rabbit foot's amulets and strange gods we had not heard of. We did not interview this one, as the younger members of the group warned us that he might be strange. But he would not be the first one to need prolonged therapy after their experiences at the Arena.

DutchBreadTopping58 (no relation to anyone in particular), 17 days hatched but a prolific stepper, told us that he had followed Amihan’s lead and set out to kayak for rare water-sport prizes before working on any of his basic skills. Sadly for this credulous youth, the gods of nature did not bless his endeavour. He has spent the last week plying the surface of the lake, and all he has to show for it is a backpack full of flax and trout. He described to us the lowest moment of his quest so far: "I was there on the lake, paddling in place and thinking about whether I had made a mistake. I had already been trying this for six and a half days, paddling at least 20,000 strokes each day. I kept emptying the weeds out of my kayak, but they just kept catching around my oars whatever I did. I guess I let my kayak fill up with trout until it was over-encumbered. Then my paddle caught on flax for a final time, and I ended up tipped into the water, with my kayak floating away on the magnetic tide. I grabbed what I could of my catch and floated to the beach. Now all that is left for me is to head back to Bilgemont Port in defeat. I should never have left Jarvonia so soon!" 

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Why leave Jarvonia? Especially so young? Home is where the hatch is!

==== Epic Retrospect of the Month (ERM): Flame stoking until the heat death of the universe ====
(With inspiration from [https://discord.com/channels/1037510064333926402/1196163543612002487/1479073872618717245 LiquidTea].)

It has been an unusually warm summer here in Kallaheim, our friends at Myriadian Arc even pointing out it is getting quite hot in their end, and we have been wondering what might be the cause of such sudden change in the climate.  

That is, until we heard of some mishaps taking place at Helga's forge, where some eager young apprentices have been getting quite deeply into the groove of helping out. Some even describe having realized they have spent all their efforts for a quarter of a year just stoking the flames of the forge, hearing Helga's bell in their young, easily influenced minds. They did get very good at it over time, but who knows how much the environment has also heated as a result!

It is indeed very probable that this effect is the strongest in energetic young lads, who can just keep doing things that they are interested in very intensely. Due to this, we propose to call these environmental-warming heat waves by the name "El Niño", which we hear probably means 'young boy' in an obscure Wrentmarkian dialect. 

We would probably consult an expert on atmospheric change if we knew one, but we had Max the Camel available, and when asked if our far-fetched interpretations were astute, Max responded: Bwa. This must mean we are at least on the right track. We should probably appeal to the powers that be that young boys should be regularly reminded to take breaks when helping out at the forge, so as to not accidentally change the climate as they work.

==== Brain Teasers: Your daily Walkdle quiz ====
Just as we were recovering from a recent heat wave, Xavlamin arrived with news about his [https://walkscape.flamesandvoltiply.com/ scientific optimization toolkit]. After growing weary of the rate of publication of new Jarvonian crossword puzzles, he has invented a new guessing game: What item am I thinking of? 

This new game called 'Walkdle' involves hints on how rare it is, if it is a tool or for example worn on the head, what kind of activities it can be used to help with, and how valuable it is, for example. You get 8 guesses for the item, with feedback hints showing the similarity of the secret item compared to your item each time you guess.

Below is an example finished quiz game board that has been cleared of active spoilers, or a "Walkdle Scoredle" as Xavlamin puts it. 

It indicates that in the first guess, on the first row, we managed to guess too high on the item rarity (blue, arrow down), but happened to get where it is worn and where one might find it (2 green boxes) right. We did not get what kind of activity it is good for right (1 dark box), and guessed too high on its impacts, level restrictions for its use and coin value (3 blue boxes with arrow down). On the second guess, we also managed to guess an item which shared at least one of the keywords with the secret item, but not a full match (the yellow box at the end of the second row). On the third row, the item's level restrictions and value were too low instead (blue box, arrow up). On the fourth row, all boxes were green to indicate the fourth guess was correct and the puzzle was completed. 

Walkdle Scoredle example:

⬇️🟩🟩⬛⬇️⬇️⬇️⬛ 43

⬇️🟩🟩⬛⬇️⬇️⬇️🟨 3

🟩🟩🟩⬛🟩⬆️⬆️⬛ 1

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 1

The additional numbers on the side indicate that after the first guess, there were 43 items that could have been the correct answer based on the information we had accumulated, while the space of possibility kept narrowing down as we made more educated guesses.

If you miss a day of Walkdle, you can do it later. It is an excellent opportunity to explore your Walkpedia research notes more carefully! If you want to share your results, you can use the [https://discord.com/channels/1037510064333926402/1518178545040359505 appointed discussion thread]. Recently, an additional three different modes of difficulty have been added to the game.